The Student's Guide To Free Shit

So, you've finally moved into your dorm, but since you're shit poor, your dorm still looks as barren like Danny Devito's forehead (unless your parents are rich, in which case, as I've said before: fuck you). 

Your dorm as is.

But, after taking a crash course with Professor Ivan, you too can have a room over flowing with free junk:

You're room thanks to my patented class: "Crash Course in Free Shit."

Check Your Campus for Major Events

This is perhaps the easiest way to score free junk.  In order to get students to flock to these events, groups hosting these events give out various free things -- ranging from those plastic backpack things to thermoses to shirts.  Try to frequent these major events frequently (yes, I noticed the poor word choice in that sentence, I just don't give a fuck).

Oh, and just a heads up: always try to get multiples of everything.  Grab handfuls of candy or pens.  Ask for two free bags.  Now is not a time to be bashful.

What To Bring

If it's your first time hitting up one of these major events for free stuff, here's what you should bring:

• A casual bag.  For men, this is one of those shitty plastic backpacks all the jocks carry about.  For women, bring a large purse.
• A friend.  It'll be easier to split up and get as much free stuff as possible.  This does require that each person grabs two of everything though.
• A hat.  Hit up all the stalls without it on, then re-hit all the vendors with it on.  This is only necessary if the free stuff is of a limited quantity (like shirts or thermoses).

Always Attend Special Lectures

So, some professor is hosting a lecture on campus that isn't required to attend.  You debate to yourself whether you should go or not.  Guess what, you should go; if only because there is always free food. 

If you are unfamiliar with attending these free lectures, or finding out about them, here's a few tips: 1). always check your school's website for special announcements, 2). ask your professors whether they know of any special lectures or seminars, or 3). ask some of your friends.

There are a few special lectures you should be on the constant look out for though: any lecture hosted by a large company (like Intel, or Google) is a prime location for free stuff.  I once went to a lecture hosted by Google and left with a free shirt, 10 pens, 20 stickers, a flashing magnet, and they fed us pizza and drinks.

What To Bring

The cool thing about lectures is you don't really need to bring anything.  There are usually very few kids attending these lectures, and the amount of free stuff is usually small enough to carry in your pockets and arms.  However, if you are attending a special lecture meant for certain majors (which you are not part of), I'd recommend bringing your school ID and a notepad to make it look like you're interested in the lecture, not the free stuff.

Show Up to Club Meetings

Most clubs offer free food at their meetings. Show up, eat, and leave before any actual work takes place.  Plus, if you get involved enough, you can write it on your resume.  And try not to be a dick about taking the free stuff given by clubs; because if you are, they might stop giving out free goodies.

What To Bring

• Nothing. Clubs I've attended never require you to actually bring anything or participate.

And that's all I can think of for now, see you next week.