October 30, 2012


While browsing the Internets, I found a hilarious review of the movie Prometheus.  If anyone knows the original source, please contact me!

Prometheus is a hilarious comedy in the tradition of "Spaceballs" and "Men in
Black" about a motley crew of forgetful, scaredy-cat scientists who go
into space and try to find their alien creator. They find maps in caves
that are their invitation, but this turns out to be a hilarious trick,
like a mousetrap for retards.

The first scene is a giant, german-looking albino steroid guy who
drinks some coffee out of an ashtray and gets sick and falls in the
waterfall. Special effects reveal that he has little, tiny ladders in
his blood called D&A. This guy looks like a member of the Blue Man
Group, except White. There is a UFO flying overhead that is never seen
or mentioned ever again in the movie. Just one of the many pranks that
the writers and director have put in the movie to trick you with.

Next we meet these two very forgetful and silly scientists and they
get to go into space on a beautiful ship. It is taken care of by a gay
robot who does stuff like dye his hair and dress up like Robocop with a
colander on his head to entertain himself. If C3PO had a human face, he
would be this guy. All of the silly bungling scientists wake up from
hyper-sleep in time to watch a hilarious hologram of a guy in an "old
man" mask that looks like the Emperor from Return of the Jedi. I think
he is wearing the old guy mask to get some laughs from the wacky
scientists, but no one notices it. There is another funny guy with
unconventional hair and tattoos who is really mean to everyone - that's
so true! Guys that look like that are always dicks!

The spaceship starts to land on the planet, and as luck would have
it, lands exactly near the alien castle on the very first try without
even looking around too much - another hilarious example of serendipity!
These guys are so lucky and fun to watch! The crazy scientists go into
the alien castle and two of the guys get so scared that they decide to
go back to the ship and get lost, even though they have flying
superballs that make 3D maps of everything. Those two bungling doofuses!
They are like "Dumb & Dumber" or "Abott & Costello". The rest
of the gang finds more poisonous coffee and somehow the gay robot steals
a whole pot of it without anyone noticing. He's such a Sneaky-Pete!

Everyone has to go back to the ship at the last minute because the
Captian pranks them and waits until a violent storm is nearby before
telling them about it! Haha! This guy is great! The two bungling idiot
scientists get stuck in the castle and decide to goof-off all night.
They try to pet a space cobra that lives in the poisonous coffee, but it
kills them, which I think is what ALL cobras wish to do, space or no.
Meanwhile, back on the ship, the gay robot does a HILARIOUS prank on the
whiny scientist who wears a hipster scarf. He puts a little poisonous
coffee in this jerk's drink and gives him pink eye and diarrhea
(probably). Haha! That's like a whoopee cushion x100! Luckily the
scientist has enough health left to hump his forgetful girlfriend one
last time before he is all the way super-sick from the bad coffee. As
one last prank to his fellow scientists, he suits up and goes back to
the castle with them, even though he secretly knows he is very, very
sick. Haha. What an inconvenience to the rest of the group - the ulimate

The mean lady burns him later. The forgetful scientist gets pregnant
with a white octopus and has to take it out using Michael Jackson's
special oxygen bed. Now here is where the movie gets really hialrious,
because she TOTALLY forgets that the alien squid is in there and just
leaves to go do some errands! HAHAHA! It turns out that the funny guy in
the old man mask is really hiding on the ship and he does some funny
slapstick "old man walking" with a cane! I love it!

Everyone goes back to the alien castle for yet a THIRD time, this
time to prank the space jockey who lives there. This guy is trying to
take a nap, but they keep buggin him! Man, I hate that too! Anyway, they
wake him up and start yelling at him, but he is SUPER cranky and kills
everybody really fast, exactly the way I would have done it. The funny
guy in the old man mask gets a GIANT bump on his head, just like on Bugs
Bunny when someone gets an anvil dropped on them! Just another
hilarious example of the comedy stylings of Ridley Scott. Luckily,
without too much trouble the forgetful scientist sneaks away and easily
convinces the funny captain to crash his ship into the space jockey's
ship so he can't prank everyone on earth with the old "poison coffee
routine." The mean lady gets crushed because the alien ship starts to
roll like a big wagon wheel and she runs DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ITS PATH
for big laughs from the audience. Classic slapstick.

Now here is where the set-up with the very, very forgetful scientist
girl really pays off with BIG LAUGHS. She goes back to Michael Jackson's
bed area and it turns out that the alien squid that she forget to throw
in the garbage is now HUGE! This part reminded me of the hilarious
movie "Men in Black" where Will Smith gets alien tentacles wrapped
around him and screams in a high-pitched voice! Classic Sci-Fi comedy
moments all around! Anyway, the forgetful scientist tricks the cranky
nap-albino to go near the giant squid, and guess what? It gets him good
so she can get away once again with plenty of luck on her side. Amazing!

The movie ends when the forgetful scientist makes friends with the
gay robot head that killed her boyfriend and wanted to do the same to
her, but hey - let bygones be bygones. Forgive and forget. They sail off
together in another ship to go have more zany, whacky space-comedy
adventures together! Hooray!

Oh, but wait! At the very, very, very end, an alien hatches out of
the cranky nap-guy's belly and spits out its dentures! I wish the funny
guy in the old man mask had done that too! I can't wait to see this one
again this weekend. I think there are many, many, many other jokes and
riddles that were never explained or that I missed while I was laughing
at the other stuff. Intentional plot holes are the ultimate prank on the
audience. It's like the whole movie just gave you two middle fingers
with simultaneous fart noises.

Ten out of ten stars! See this one with your little kids!


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