The Lorax: A Review From A Guy Who Didn't Even Know The Movie Existed

So there I was, with a friend about to watch a movie.  Since she couldn't decide what she wanted to watch and I had no fucking idea what movies were out (because I don't watch television or commercials), I did what I always do in such situations: I asked the lady at the ticket booth for two tickets for the next movie that was about to start.


And thus I watched The Lorax in 3D.

Look at that mother fucking mustache. Fuck.

I went into this movie not knowing that Betty White, Danny DeVito, and Taylor Swift were starring in it. When the opening credits started rolling, I was like: "What?  Why is Danny DeVito in this fucking movie?  What the fuck."


You see, I'm used to seeing Danny DeVito playing roles like those in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  But I was already in the theater, so I thought: "Ok, I'll give it a chance."  


And then they all started singing.


And I immediately knew what the rest of the movie was going to be: an environmental message about sustainability which will be told to us with a lot of songs. 


And I was fucking pumped.


You see, there are a lot of shitty movies out right now: Project X, Friends With Kids, Ghost Rider.  And let's not forget about Star Wars Episode One. Or The Vow.  Yeah, that's one movie where I'd rather have my nuts kicked than sit and watch.


So when I read the reviews for The Lorax after I had watched it, I was really confused.  Tons of critics hated it, and I was left wondering: WHY?


Maybe they hate musicals, maybe they hate kids movies, or maybe they didn't like the environmental message? Well, it turns out, it was usually a combination of all three.  Many compared it to Wall-E. And it's safe to say that that's a pretty fair comparison, but Wall-E came out in 2008 and that movie bored the shit out of my for about 40% of it.  The Lorax kept me entertained for the whole damn movie.


There are many that complain about how the movie didn't have the spirit of the original poem/book.  To those people, I say: Get your fucking head out of your ass.  It's a fucking movie you fucks.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Do you realize how boring it would have been without the villain "O'hare" or the other elements they added for theatrical purposes?


Anyway, the movie was pretty God damn entertaining.  The use of 3D effects was nicely done: it wasn't over the top, and it didn't give me a headache.  The musical numbers were great, very up-to-date stylewise and very catchy. 


As for the actual story: the kid felt like a fucking real person. In the first 10 minutes, the writers were able to demonstrate real, down-to-earth emotions that a kid "Ted" would have. Namely, infatuation with the opposite sex.  There's some really great dialogue between Ted and his love interest Audrey in the introduction of the movie.  

I'd tap that animated ass.

A line from the original The Lorax was said, "the touch of their tufts was much softer than silk and they had the sweet smell of fresh butterfly milk" to which Ted responds: "What does that even mean?" Apparently that response pissed some people off.  But if you think about it how I did (detaching the movie from the original), then it makes perfect sense.  Ted's response is the natural response to that line.  Any other line would have sounded forced in a movie.  So to all those pissed off about Ted saying "what does that even mean", go get your fucking head checked.


Anyway, Ted has the hots for a high schooler named Audrey, and so he wishes to try to impress her.  Thus, he goes out searching for a real tree since they live in Thneedsville, which is made entirely of plastic and other artificial materials. The reason he goes looking for a tree, is because Audrey says that she would love to have a living tree in her backyard.  Some people were really mad at this.  I'm not sure why, but they thought it was sexist or something.  To me, that's just nitpicking. I heard reviews saying: "why didn't Audrey just go get the tree?  Oh, that's right, because that would mean that women are able to do things for themselves.  This movie is so sexist." Or some other bullshit.


Once again, I'm going to kindly have to ask those people to gently remove their head from their ass. 


Without Audrey hinting at the tree, and Ted wanting to impress Audrey, we wouldn't have a fucking movie.  If Audrey had went to go get the tree, there wouldn't have been the cute love interest.  You see, the audience can connect with a character when he or she has a love interest and will go through great risks to impress her or him.  Without that element, our main character would have just been a weirdo that wanted a fucking tree.  No one gives a shit about people wanting to get trees.  Thus, the writers had this love plot because it made the audience want Ted to get that fucking tree.  Without the love plot, no one would give a shit about the rest of the plot.


Then people complained about the chase scene at the end.  To those that complained about the chase scene, let me posit this question: When have you ever watched a movie where tension was built during the ENTIRE movie, only to have it culminate without a chase scene?


The answer is never, because otherwise the audience feels cheated.

Anyway, I really enjoyed The Lorax.

But if you don't like kids movies, or animation, or the environment, then fuck you, why are you even reading this? Go burn a tree or what ever it is you do.